1. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Steven Wright
2. Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot
3. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
4. A day without laughter is a day wasted.
- Charlie Chaplin
5. Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.
- Mae West
6. Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
- Robert Orben
7. Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
- J. Paul Getty
8. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
- Abraham Lincoln
9. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
- Jim Davis
10. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
- Sam Levenson
11. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
- Benny Hill
12. If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- George Burns
13. A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.
- Fatz Domino
14. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
- Benjamin Franklin
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
- George Carlin
16. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
- Albert Camus
17. DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’
- Ron White
18. Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
- Mae West
19. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
- Milton Berle
20. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
- Mark Twain
21. At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- Ann Landers
22. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
23. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
- Jay Leno
24. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
- Jerry Seinfeld
25. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant
26. An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas
27. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright
28. Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
- Tina Fey
29. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman
30. You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra
31. Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!
- Groucho Marx
32. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
- Ambrose Bierce
33. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
- Sam Levenson
34. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams
35. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes
36. I live about four muggings from Central Park.
- Henny Youngman
37. Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
- Desmond Morris
38. Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
- Doug Larson
39. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
- Jean Rostand
40. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
- Natalie Wood
41. When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
- Rich Hall
42. If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
- Chuck Palahniuk
43. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- George Carlin
44. If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.
- Larry David
45. The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
- Jon Stewart
46. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
- Albert Einstein
47. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
- Kurt Vonnegut
48. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
- Larry David
49. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
- John Wayne
50. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
- Arthur C. Clarke
51. I am only human, although I regret it.
- Mark Twain
52. Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain
53. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
- Joel Osteen
54. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Don Marquis
55. Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.
- Thomas Sowell
56. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett
57. It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
- Ronald Reagan
58. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
- Will Rogers
59. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- Rodney Dangerfield
60. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
- Anton Chekhov
61. We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
- W. H. Auden
62. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Foxx
63. A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
- Sir Alec Issigonis
64. It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
- Harry Hill
65. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
66. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
- Oscar Levant
67. I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.
- Ron White
68. The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
- Zach Galifianakis
69. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Dave Barry
70. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Bryan White
71. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
- Jackie Mason
72. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire
73. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips
74. I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
- Scott Adams
75. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller
76. When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
- Richard Lewis
77. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Waterson
78. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
79. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Miles Kington
80. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
- W. C. Fields
81. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
82. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
- Sid Caesar
83. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
84. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- Harlan Ellison
85. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
86. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
87. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright
88. This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.
- Bill Maher
89. Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
90. If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School
91. I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.
- Seth MacFarlane
92. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- George Carlin
93. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
- Milton Berle
94. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Bob Hope
95. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- Derek Bok
96. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers
97. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
- Fred Allen
98. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.
- Jay Leno
99. Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
- Jim Rohn
100. A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.
- Michael Douglas, Wall Street
101. I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.
- Michael Scott
102. Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
- Oscar Wilde
103. A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!
- Tom Wilson
104. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Earl Wilson
105. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
- Nicholas M. Butler
106. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
- Marty Allen
107. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?
- George Carlin
108. Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
- Gilbert Gottfried
109. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
- Albert Einstein
110. Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
- Ellen DeGeneris
111. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel
112. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.
- Demetri Martin
113. Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.
- Janet Evanovich
114. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
115. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- Ron White
116. When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’
- Sydney J. Harris
117. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
- Dennis Wholey
118. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
- Will Rogers
119. I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
- Peter Cook
120. “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.
- Thomas Lansing Masson
121. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
- Groucho Marx
122. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
- Norm Crosby
123. Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
- Woody Allen
124. I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.
- Jay Shulte
125. All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
126. Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
- Voltaire
127. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld
128. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
129. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.
- Jon Stewart
130. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
- Demetri Martin
131. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Dale Carnegie
132. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
- Bill Vaughan
133. I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.
- Si Robertson
134. A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
135. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
- George W. Bush
136. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow
137. Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.
- J.R. Ewing, Dallas
138. I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.
- Henny Youngman
139. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
140. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
- Steve Carell, The Office
141. Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
- Bob Thaves
142. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles Shulz
143. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
- Franklin Jones
144. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
145. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
- Ann Landers
146. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.
- Dennis Waitley
147. Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
- Charleton Heston
148. It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
- Steven Weinberg
149. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
150. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
- Billy Sunday
151. Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
- Joan Collins
152. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
153. Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
- Daniel J. Boorstin
154. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
- Caroline Rhea
155. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
- William James
156. Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
- Margaret Culkin Banning
157. can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- Fred Allen
158. In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
- Demetri Martin
159. Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.
- Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns
160. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
- Jay Leno
161. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
- Jon Stewart
162. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
163. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
- Bill Murray
164. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
- Doug Larson
165. The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.
- Conan O’Brien
166. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
- Dalai Lama
167. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
- James Thurber
168. Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.
- Will Ferrell
169. I drink to make other people more interesting.
- Ernest Hemingway
170. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Chruchill
171. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
- Greg Tamblyn
172. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
- Steve Martin
173. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx
174. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
- George Burns
175. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H.L. Mencken
176. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
- H. Kyle Seale
177. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
- Samuel Goldwyn
178. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.
- Jim Harrison
179. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- John F. Kenendy
180. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
181. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
- Gertrude Stein
182. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
- Will Rogers
183. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
- E. B. White
184. The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
- Kin Hubbard
185. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
- Charles Schulz
186. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
- Gilbert Gottfried
187. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
- Lawrence Ferlinghetti
188. I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
- Ron White
189. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.
- Bill Murray
190. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
- Walter Mathau
191. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
192. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
- Andy Borowitz
193. I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
- Marc Maron
194. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, thyroid problem?
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
195. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
- Bill Maher
196. Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck
197. f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
198. The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.
- Josh Billings
199. Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
- Helen Rowland
200. The road to success is always under construction.
- Lily Tomlin
201. He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.
- George Bernard Shaw
202. Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
- Rita Mae Brown
203. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
- Lily Tomlin
204. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Chruchill
205. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Norm Crosby
206. I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
- Henny Youngman
207. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
- Christopher Morley
208. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
- Betty White
209. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
- Robert Frost
210. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
- Matt Groening
211. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
212. ?I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
213. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- Joan Rivers
214. It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.
- Ronald Reagan
215. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
- George Burns
216. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
217. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz
218. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
- Rodney Dangerfield
219. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- Paul R. Ehrlich
220. I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
221. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
- Jane Wagner
222. A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
- Laurence J. Peter
223. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
- Sam Ewing
224. Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
225. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
226. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
- Charles Lamb
227. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
- Navjot Singh Sidhu
228. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
229. Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
- Bill Vaughan
230. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
- David Letterman
231. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Oscar Wilde
232. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
233. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
- Charles Wadsworth
234. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
235. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
- Carl Sagan
236. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- George Carlin
237. If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.
- Jim Rome
238. Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.
- Jessica Simpson
239. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- Groucho Marx
240. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
- Bill Maher
241. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck
242. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
- Dave Barry
243. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
- Bill Maher
244. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
- Conan O’Brien
245. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres
246. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
- Billy Connolly
247. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
248. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
249. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
250. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Emo Philips
251. Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.
- George Burns
252. Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.
- Mark Withers
253. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
254. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
255. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
- Paul Fix
256. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson
257. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Alan Dundes
258. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
259. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller
260. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
- Rodney Dangerfield
261. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
- Alexander Woollcott
262. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
- Zig Ziglar
263. Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
- Jeffree Star
264. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
- Scott Adams
265. If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.
- Dick Cavett
266. It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
- Bill Hicks
267. I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
- Mitch Hedberg
268. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
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